surrender

My mind has been spinning all week.  I have had SO many thoughts on what to share for my first “SHE SAID” post but now, as I sit down to write it, I am blank.  No, seriously, I have written and deleted 3 posts so far because they are basically just nonsensical ramblings, but I will try one more time and if this doesn’t work, well then the post ends here.

Okay, so it won’t end there… the blog must go on 🙂 (I think this is attempt #8)

WOW!  This is SO much harder than I expected!  I am, by nature, a recluse.  If given the choice of staying at home all day (or heck, all week) in my jammies or going out on adventures, I would choose being home in my jammies.  So to open myself up and put it out for all to read is a HUGE personal challenge.  Tobin has been warming me up to the challenge ever since Facebook was invented.  He would post EVERYTHING until I begged him to at least censor what he said about me.  Tobin is much more comfortable “being public”.  He is very comfortable and even invites being noticed.  I, on the other hand, would prefer to go on unnoticed… Well, I did like to go unnoticed until about a year ago.  Now I am in the middle of my mid-mid-life crisis  (I say mid-mid because I hope to live well past 70).

I am constantly juggling back and forth between my default state (please, don’t notice me.  I don’t want to exist) to the me I want to be.  The me that LOVES and accepts myself exactly the way I am.  The me that doesn’t mind being noticed and isn’t terrified of being judged (good or bad).  The me that doesn’t scold myself at the end of the day for things said or not said.

Self acceptance, let alone self love, is a long and hard journey but I will not sit this one out.  I will not curl up on the couch and stay in my jammies.  And since I still am not to the point where I feel I am worth the time and effort it will take to get there, I do think my children are.  I will teach them that loving, not just accepting or tolerating, yourself is the most important thing.  I want to teach them this with my actions, not my words, so for them, I work on myself.

I was told by a Karmic Astrologer, over 10 years ago, that all I had to do was surrender and my life would be easy and for the past 10 years this control freak has been stating to the universe, “I surrender!”.  Thinking that surrendering would be a quick and easy process.  Boy, was I wrong!  Giving up.  That is a quick and easy process but surrender, true surrender, is a painstaking, time consuming and CONSTANT practice.  One that I succeed at on a daily basis as much as I fail, but one that I will continue doing until I am doing it for the best reason.  I am doing it for myself.

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