true surrender | she said

So, about 12 years ago, I went to a friend who was a karmic astrologer and I we did a little trade. I created his logo and he did gave me a couple of readings. While he was doing my reading he told me a lot of very interesting things but the biggest thing that stuck with me through all these years was that he said, “you’re life is meant to be easy. you are the one who is making it hard. all you have to do is surrender and everything will be easier for you.” Between his reading and a scarily accurate psychic I saw only a few months before who told me that, “after having children, you will pursue your passion, you will travel, life will be easy and money will never be an issue.” Well, that left me feeling very optimistic and with 2 big questions.

What is my passion?
How the heck do I surrender?

So, after the first 10 years of trying to figure out what my passion was and declaring to the world, with a white flag in my hand that I surrender, nothing happened. No closer to knowing what I was passionate about and, unfortunately, giving up and surrender are not the same thing, I started to think that somewhere along the path I altered my destiny and life would never be easy or completely fulfilling. Then, everything changed one day when I found my passion. Glamour photography. (insert record scratch sound here. EEEERRRRRKKKK) Wait?!? What!?! Glamour photography. Isn’t that a super cheesy trend of the 90’s with big hair, boas and satin gloves? Not the way we do it! I’m sure I will go on about this in great length over time but it boils down to; Tobin took a Glamour photo of me and it changed EVERYTHING! At first I allowed myself to see myself the way others must. I am not a hideous monster and I was slowly believing I was actually beautiful. This gave me a boost in confidence, my posture improved, I could make eye contact again, I was okay with being noticed. My light began to shine brighter and now I wanted all my friends (especially my mommy friends who had also lost themselves) to have this experience. I was and still remain changed!

So, it had looked like I had found my passion (and it was the last thing I would have ever expected it to be!), now, onto surrender. HOLY CRAP! The true act of surrendering is the hardest thing I have ever done and I’m sure I’m only at level 1 Surrender and there are infinite levels:) .  The true act of surrendering for me was like slowly tearing away painful layer after layer of objections, other peoples beliefs that I made my own, feelings of worthlessness, default reactions, to get to actually making the decision and choice to be happy, to forgive the list of those who have “wronged” me, to actually step back and see, again, from the outside, not just me but my life and how amazingly blessed I am and how grateful I am. This all culminated last week when I wrote my SHE SAID blog and in that moment of true surrender things… scary (in a good way) things started to come together.

This past week has been a whirlwind of decisions, like big life altering decisions, and I am full to the rim with joy, gratitude and faith that those 2 people over 12 years ago, who planted a seed of hope and worth in my mind and heart, were right and with passion being aligned with true surrender I will be fulfilled.  I am serving my purpose.

Thanks for listening!  Have a beautiful day!

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